I woke up at 2 AM this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I'd gone to bed at 11, but then there I was completely awake at 2 in the freaking morning and I lay there til 5:30 thoughts racing through my mind and i was definitely worrying about 'shit that don't matter'.
It's so much easier to worry about boys and lost loves, crazy families, drama, that weight which doesn't want to drop back down to 130 or even anything in the 130s... than it is to worry about what's really going on and what really matters, and even though everything feels like it's falling into place it feels like I'm losing something too.
I got out of bed and went downstairs. Sometimes it's just easier to sleep on the couch. I used to do it all the time in the middle of the night when i'd worry about college when I was in high school, and in college hah! I'd fall asleep on the couch as soon as my family got home and Rachel and Talin could both be screaming and killing each other and I wouldn't wake up until 10 or 11 and then I'd be up til 1 again.
So this morning I wrapped my comforter about my body and went downstairs to lay on the couch.
"Amber, I want you to start doing chores around the house."
Excuse me? Grandma was sitting like a creeper in the dark in the recliner in front of the tv which wasn't even turned on.
"Bleh." I muttered.
"Amber, you're an adult now and you need to start doing chores around the house."
Instead of my normal spiel, "Jesusfuckingchrist I'm starting a job today and got 3 fucking hours of sleep, and I'm the first person in this family to graduate from college since the 1960's and that still isn't enough for you to just leave me the fuck alone??" -- instead of that I said very nicely, calmly, rationally, "It's 5:30 in the morning. Leave me alone." and then I went back up to my room and lay there until 6:30.
With a sigh and a groan and a sad pathetic moan I arose from my bed and went downstairs. I put on the clothes I had picked out for the day.
"Are you excited about your job?" Grandma asked.
"Grrr." Um, being excited is not what it is. I'm not waiting in happy anticipation to sit in an office and answer phones. I'm freaking terrified because I am going to be in an office with a bunch of lawyers and they might yell at me or fire me or I might do something stupid or the daycare might not take Talin because her body is once again covered in little bugbites/sores which could very well be streptocccoccus or whatever I'm not spelling that right and I don't care.
so yeah, then my pants wouldn't zip. Shit shit shit. This my friends, is why I must lose weight. I cannot afford to buy new pants and all my pants that have no holes are too small for me. So i wore a skirt and was cold. all freaking day. and it was raining out side and it was very sad.
So then I wake up Talin and get her ready and give her a cheese stick for breakfast. I considered eating breakfast myself, but then decided that there was absolutely nothing appetizing in the house. Grandma followed me around talking about how terrible babydaddy's family is and how it's their fault that Talin gets these sores and how I needed to do something about it.
I definitely cried because she and my mom both wanted me to call off work my first day and take Talin to the doctor. Mommy said, "Talin gets these all the time. You're going to have to take off work every week." and I was very worried that I'd have to quit before i even began but then I called baby's dad and he said, "They're bugbites. What else can they be?" and I decided that for today they'd have to be bugbites even though I know that they are not. If they are bugbites then why the hell does he let her play outside without bugspray???
Finally, I got Talin to the preschool. I listened to Billy Joel the whole way because he always makes me feel better. i really should just make a cd of his greatest hits. I took her into the preschool and led her to her classroom and she froze. The teacher guided her away and I left wanting to cry, but feeling a little more calm. They let her in.
I drove to my job and sat in the car for a few minutes because I was early, but then went in. I made it. Although, everyone else was not dressed in real office attire like I was. They were kind of casual. There were a lot of jeans. why don't people dress up for the office???
I'd have felt awkward about this, but really, I didn't know and what's wrong with looking good? So then I spent my day answering phones and scanning documents, making coffee and wishing i knew how to do more so that I could make my day go by faster. I'll do better tomorrow. Maybe I can make some friends or casual acquaintances. I need to take my baby to a doctor and to stop worrying about shit that don't matter. I'm where I wanted to be. It's a little lonely, but it's only the beginning and I was lonely before and I like being alone.
It's a little depressing because I'm a grown up now and I don't make enough to make ends meet and I'm not old enough or mature enough to feel grown up. I'm just a little wiser than some people about some things, but its just that I know these things. I don't feel the knowledge. I'm sorry for spreading bad karma and I'm sorry for feeling so needy. If I ignored my neediness when I felt needy then I'd be a lot better off. if I didn't engage in behaviors which I knew would lead to regret, sadness, neediness then I'd be a little less human, but maybe better off.
I was in a relationship that sucked once, and then I loved a boy that used me, and now, I just want to be me and on my own and secure with that and happy with that and not keep thinking about what happened before and trying to drown it in other aspects of my existence just to have it all come rushing back at me. Sure, maybe I've changed on the inside a little, but I still have all the same responses even without all the feelings and sometimes the feelings come rushing back and it hurts. But I know it doesn't really and that Friday was a huge mistake and that I just shouldn't have gone there again and I knew it then but it was more interesting; it was more...
And with that, I have to say that i'm focusing on the wrong things again. Relationships are everything but not boyfriend/girlfriend. Friends are everything. Family is everything. I desperately want a guy to be everything, but I really don't want that too. I want to like a guy and like having my own space.i dont' know how to give myself space and always end up asking for things I don't even want. To hang out when I don't even want to. Just to ask. Just to get a response. No more. I'm a woman and I'm going to forget about it even though its so nice to think of your life as a tragic love story. That ain't how it is and you be doin' good for yourself, girl.
No stress no stress no stress, girl you deserve nothin' but the best.
ahh jesse mccartney. if only you weren't so aryan.
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