Shit! I have a mom

I feel like my mom is ruining my life, and maybe I am old enough that I shouldn't be letting her do that. If I were more mature, then it wouldn't bother me so much. I wouldn't feel the need to be crazy and go talk to other people about it, who then tell me that I'm crazy because they've met my mom and she's awkward or okay, or because it's crazy to say the things that I say.

She told me today for about 45 minutes that my boyfriend was on the verge of dumping me, that I had successfully ruined my best relationship-- the last one I'll ever had-- before it really had the chance to begin. And lets face it, I've made some mistakes. Some pretty big ones. Maybe Saturday's was the biggest because it sticks out to me the most in my memory.

I called my mom to tell her that my car had broken down. She said she would spread the word amongst the family and that we could find a car for me to use until mine gets fixed. Then she immediately called back and told me that I had to attend my middle school's alumni function that evening. 1. I just told her I had no car and was waiting to get it fixed until I could afford to pay for it myself. 2. I had plans for the evening. I tried to explain this to her, but got angrier and more frustrated when it was clear that she wasn't listening to me, and she picked up on it in my voice because she was suddenly calling me a "fucking cunt" and then I paused wondering if I should say it back because it wasn't mature and my boyfriend was in the next room, but then I said it back because I didn't want her to be the bad guy and it was in the moment, and maybe it doesn't make sense now, but it did at the time. it happened. My boyfriend heard me call my mom a "fucking cunt" over the phone and then I couldn't even be sad about it because i had to act justified in saying it or I would completely fall apart. I had to pretend I didn't say it.

Maybe that was a big thing amongst millions of tiny things creating rifts, but i feel the wedge driven between us. I'm nasty and immature. Absolutely worthless. My own mother tells me she would have aborted me if she had known I would turn out this way. I guess a really nice non dysfunctional male liking me should be incentive for me to change, but obviously he is quickly realizing that I'm just a little off, and maybe a little too much for him to want to handle.

I used to think he might be a pushover. He is not at all. He will make his displeasure evident, but he might be the type to still let people do what they want and just be quietly angry at them. I don't like those looks. Can you break up with someone because you don't trust their angry looks when they've been so good to you?

Is it really good though? Or is it just better than what I've known? I can't tell and its driving me crazy. It drives me crazy when my mom spends the whole evening telling me basically that she designed me to be a loner, that I don't deserve relationships, that no one would ever want to date me, you have a fucking daughter, you have fucking aspergers, you're a fucking bitch-cunt--- no wonder i constantly pick at my face, ruin my friendships, etc etc

She's not evil by any means. She's just immature and I don't know how not to be emotionally involved with the woman who raised me. She is holding me back, and I don't know how to be free.

I would love to slow down or even go back a few steps. I don't want to break up, but I hate feeling like I'm falling in love one minute and hating him for things he hasn't even done the next.

Boohoo I have a boyfriend

This week's major issue: I decided to date someone. Now I have a whole new host of pathetic things to be upset about, ie things that aren't real problems. He's a nice guy. He's got a good job. He really likes me, and we like to do the same things... but...................................I have a baby, and I don't trust anyone and I can't do everything as well as I could do something if I just had one thing to focus on. I'm only going to live one life- so I guess I should do everything and go hard, but I just don't have any energy. I hang out with him after Talin goes to bed, but now it takes twice as long and I don't want to leave. It also doesn't feel real because how can I have a relationship without Talin being a huge part of it and there all the time? Maybe I would just rather play house. I know its not fair to anyone to be doing this. Maybe its okay for other single moms to still try and have relationships, but I really feel like at this point in my life I should be atoning for my sins. As I was told a week ago at my office, "You ruined your life when you were 18", and that's how i feel and I don't deserve any thing, and I don't want anything except to show other people, that yes, I can take care of myself. I'm not a drain on society, and hopefully, someday, when I'm making more than 13 an hour maybe I won't be.

I'm so tired that Talin does her normal four year old things, like touching everything and playing with disgusting things and I just want to snap at her because I don't want to be covered with slime and I don't want my stuff to be broken. I can't afford to get new stuff. I'm forever tainted with slime.    

I hate that Im younger than all the other parents. Yesterday one of them, Drake, waved to me from his gigantic SUV and asked me how I was doing. What did I say?

"I'm WET! How are you?"

"Good," he said, giving me a weird look and zooming away so fast that his car hit a puddle and splashed me.
Then I remembered the sexual connotation with wet and thought shit.

I can't take her to birthday parties. The other parents won't talk to me, and they'll all know that I'm only 23 and that I'm a piece of shit who decided not to wear a condom, and I'm probably stupid too or else I would have gotten an abortion, and I'm single and don't have a good job and have nothing in common with anyone.

Same thing with people my age, only they just don't get that I have a baby. I can't go out before nine. I probably shouldn't go out at all. I probably shouldn't have any friends because I had a baby and I have to take care of her and do nothing else because I don't deserve to be anything else, because I made a mistake when I was 18. I guess I could look at it as other people are jealous, but my mom always told me that other people know that we are trash and that's why they don't talk  to us. Maybe they wish they hadn't had to spend millions on fertility treatments or that their kids were out of the house, or that they werent' going through menopause.

I hate this and I hate that no one understands--- or the people who could understand are just so completely neurotic, deluded and stupid that I can't have a real conversation with them. I have a baby. Soon I'm going to have to live with her on my own. I'll never have a good job. I'll never have a relationship. I'll just start collecting cats when she's grown up and maybe move back in with my mom and we can grow old together collecting cats and selling collectible books to keep the cats alive forever.

I'm very comfortable with that plan for my life. I've resigned myself to it. Its just a dream to be famous. Its probably not all its cracked up to be to live the societally enforced american dream of kids and a husband and summer vacations. I'm very comfortable with being a bad person who did bad things who was born bad and has no other choice. Choices are hard to make.

Then again, I also overthink. Haven't I been testing and grooming my boyfriend for this position for months? haven't I asked him to do things with me that I would never think to ask anyone but a very serious relationship person to do? And I guess he does the same thing to me, but I was too busy paying attention to my self to notice it- and at that time, the fact that I ffelt he appreciated me so much more than I could even bother to pay attention to him really bothered me, and now it bothers me that I want him to just tell me stuff about him. I don't want to like him, I want to be completely turned off by his cross bite and his pale skin, but unfortunately his cross bite isn't very bad and most of the time I don't notice it, and also unfortunately in spite of his pale skin he gets along with people from all walks of life, and unfortunately we are very compatible and get along and I just wish that I wanted to hurt him because then maybe something would make sense.

Does that sound crazy? Allow me to ellucidate, which apparently isn't spelled that way-- I am a villain. I can't like someone so nice without some sort of bad intention. My best guy friend, grant knows that I'm a bad person and always tells me my bad intentions before they know them. my mom tells me that I'm the enemy, and the most selfish person she knows. She says if she had known I was going to turn out this way then she would not have had me. The boy I used to love told me that I was a bitch and a whore and that I was out to ruin his life. My ex boyfriend told me that I was clingy and needy and a snoop, and that I always had bad intentions. My ex step dad told me he knew about my bad intentions, and everyone seems to know that I am subconsciously doing things because I'm inherently evil before I know. Its gotten to the point where I don't know what I feel because everyone is telling me I'm bad-- maybe if my parents had been married-- then Rae would have been able to stay at nells slumber party in 7th grade even though I was there. I was just born evil and shouldn't have been born.

So see, I must be planning to be a gold digger, or to hurt him, or to do something to ruin his life because that's what I do, Amber yo, she's a trap. I don't have time for everything. I don't want to do everything. Maybe if I'm such a piece of shit I should be burned at the stake.

I'm just making myself angrier talking like this. See, I manipulate my own emotions. I can't stand anyone right now. I feel like people are pricking me with needles. Crazy or tired or tired of being crazy? I wish I was 14 and could put my head through a wall, but that didn't make the world make more sense either.

Songs I've written this year...

Maybe I'm...tired of these games
maybe I'm the kind of girl
who is just a bit naive
and maybe when I'm close to you
I sometimes forget to breathe
all I want to do, all I can say
is I am tired of these games

maybe I'm the kind of girl
who obsesses and overthinks
maybe I'm the kind of girl
who acts like a slut when she drinks
maybe I'm just sick of feeling stupid
and maybe I'm wrong that's what I've concluded
maybe I just want to complain
that I am tired of these games

I always lose
I don't know how to play
what are the rules?

maybe I'm the kind of girl
who's really much better off alone
and maybe I, just don't have the time
to sit and wait by my phone
maybe that's an outdated reference
'cause my cell's right here in my pocket
but maybe you should have called me back
'cause you had a good thing and you lost it
maybe we'll meet again someday
but for now I'm tired of these games

I always lose
I don't know how to play
what are the rules?
I'm tired of these games.

 ONLY FEELINGS
All the bugs come out and watch me as I play
creeping out of corners spots of black and gray
mirrors on the wall tell of my past transgressions
scars on my skin are clear in my reflection
i'm only happy when i'm breathing
when i can't breathe at all
i am restless unless I'm breathless
what is life?
Only feelings.

I feel like I'm going to fall off the world
on the edge of chaos completely unheard
why does connection to the physical
only let me know that I'm expendable?
I'm only happy when I'm breathing
when I can't breathe at all
I am restless unless I'm breathless
what is life?
only feelings.

Now is nothing the past is a haze
the future is scary that's why we get blazed
I'm only happy when I'm breathing
when I can't breathe at all
I am restless unless I'm breathless
what is life?
only feelings.

worth it
it turns out the best thing about you
was the music that we listened to
not the long nights we malingered
they don't linger in my memory the same


when I look back and remember
even though it hurts it was worth it
if you think of me and remember
even though you won't it was worth it.
it was worth it.


I can still feel your lips on mine
no matter how I try to forget you
truth is that I loved you
more before I had you
the facade of your smile
and your lazy arm around me
the way you pushed my head down


when i look back and remember
even though it hurts it was worth it
if you think of me and remember
even though you won't it was worth it.
it was worth it.


There were no ideals hacked away
i'd been hurt before
but i thought you were better
now you've forgotten all about me


meant to bes are for a moment in time
our moment is over, you were never mine


when i look back and remember
even though it hurts it was worth it, it was worth it
if you think of me and remember
even though you probably won't
its still worth it, it was worth it.




Cheyanne
*started today so only a chorus
Cheyanne is drowning
can't you see
her big blue eyes
staring up at you
from beneath the water
if you looked
you would find
the universe
that's inside her soul
and then you'd know