I feel like my mom is ruining my life, and maybe I am old enough that I shouldn't be letting her do that. If I were more mature, then it wouldn't bother me so much. I wouldn't feel the need to be crazy and go talk to other people about it, who then tell me that I'm crazy because they've met my mom and she's awkward or okay, or because it's crazy to say the things that I say.
She told me today for about 45 minutes that my boyfriend was on the verge of dumping me, that I had successfully ruined my best relationship-- the last one I'll ever had-- before it really had the chance to begin. And lets face it, I've made some mistakes. Some pretty big ones. Maybe Saturday's was the biggest because it sticks out to me the most in my memory.
I called my mom to tell her that my car had broken down. She said she would spread the word amongst the family and that we could find a car for me to use until mine gets fixed. Then she immediately called back and told me that I had to attend my middle school's alumni function that evening. 1. I just told her I had no car and was waiting to get it fixed until I could afford to pay for it myself. 2. I had plans for the evening. I tried to explain this to her, but got angrier and more frustrated when it was clear that she wasn't listening to me, and she picked up on it in my voice because she was suddenly calling me a "fucking cunt" and then I paused wondering if I should say it back because it wasn't mature and my boyfriend was in the next room, but then I said it back because I didn't want her to be the bad guy and it was in the moment, and maybe it doesn't make sense now, but it did at the time. it happened. My boyfriend heard me call my mom a "fucking cunt" over the phone and then I couldn't even be sad about it because i had to act justified in saying it or I would completely fall apart. I had to pretend I didn't say it.
Maybe that was a big thing amongst millions of tiny things creating rifts, but i feel the wedge driven between us. I'm nasty and immature. Absolutely worthless. My own mother tells me she would have aborted me if she had known I would turn out this way. I guess a really nice non dysfunctional male liking me should be incentive for me to change, but obviously he is quickly realizing that I'm just a little off, and maybe a little too much for him to want to handle.
I used to think he might be a pushover. He is not at all. He will make his displeasure evident, but he might be the type to still let people do what they want and just be quietly angry at them. I don't like those looks. Can you break up with someone because you don't trust their angry looks when they've been so good to you?
Is it really good though? Or is it just better than what I've known? I can't tell and its driving me crazy. It drives me crazy when my mom spends the whole evening telling me basically that she designed me to be a loner, that I don't deserve relationships, that no one would ever want to date me, you have a fucking daughter, you have fucking aspergers, you're a fucking bitch-cunt--- no wonder i constantly pick at my face, ruin my friendships, etc etc
She's not evil by any means. She's just immature and I don't know how not to be emotionally involved with the woman who raised me. She is holding me back, and I don't know how to be free.
I would love to slow down or even go back a few steps. I don't want to break up, but I hate feeling like I'm falling in love one minute and hating him for things he hasn't even done the next.
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