This week's major issue: I decided to date someone. Now I have a whole new host of pathetic things to be upset about, ie things that aren't real problems. He's a nice guy. He's got a good job. He really likes me, and we like to do the same things... but...................................I have a baby, and I don't trust anyone and I can't do everything as well as I could do something if I just had one thing to focus on. I'm only going to live one life- so I guess I should do everything and go hard, but I just don't have any energy. I hang out with him after Talin goes to bed, but now it takes twice as long and I don't want to leave. It also doesn't feel real because how can I have a relationship without Talin being a huge part of it and there all the time? Maybe I would just rather play house. I know its not fair to anyone to be doing this. Maybe its okay for other single moms to still try and have relationships, but I really feel like at this point in my life I should be atoning for my sins. As I was told a week ago at my office, "You ruined your life when you were 18", and that's how i feel and I don't deserve any thing, and I don't want anything except to show other people, that yes, I can take care of myself. I'm not a drain on society, and hopefully, someday, when I'm making more than 13 an hour maybe I won't be.
I'm so tired that Talin does her normal four year old things, like touching everything and playing with disgusting things and I just want to snap at her because I don't want to be covered with slime and I don't want my stuff to be broken. I can't afford to get new stuff. I'm forever tainted with slime.
I hate that Im younger than all the other parents. Yesterday one of them, Drake, waved to me from his gigantic SUV and asked me how I was doing. What did I say?
"I'm WET! How are you?"
"Good," he said, giving me a weird look and zooming away so fast that his car hit a puddle and splashed me.
Then I remembered the sexual connotation with wet and thought shit.
I can't take her to birthday parties. The other parents won't talk to me, and they'll all know that I'm only 23 and that I'm a piece of shit who decided not to wear a condom, and I'm probably stupid too or else I would have gotten an abortion, and I'm single and don't have a good job and have nothing in common with anyone.
Same thing with people my age, only they just don't get that I have a baby. I can't go out before nine. I probably shouldn't go out at all. I probably shouldn't have any friends because I had a baby and I have to take care of her and do nothing else because I don't deserve to be anything else, because I made a mistake when I was 18. I guess I could look at it as other people are jealous, but my mom always told me that other people know that we are trash and that's why they don't talk to us. Maybe they wish they hadn't had to spend millions on fertility treatments or that their kids were out of the house, or that they werent' going through menopause.
I hate this and I hate that no one understands--- or the people who could understand are just so completely neurotic, deluded and stupid that I can't have a real conversation with them. I have a baby. Soon I'm going to have to live with her on my own. I'll never have a good job. I'll never have a relationship. I'll just start collecting cats when she's grown up and maybe move back in with my mom and we can grow old together collecting cats and selling collectible books to keep the cats alive forever.
I'm very comfortable with that plan for my life. I've resigned myself to it. Its just a dream to be famous. Its probably not all its cracked up to be to live the societally enforced american dream of kids and a husband and summer vacations. I'm very comfortable with being a bad person who did bad things who was born bad and has no other choice. Choices are hard to make.
Then again, I also overthink. Haven't I been testing and grooming my boyfriend for this position for months? haven't I asked him to do things with me that I would never think to ask anyone but a very serious relationship person to do? And I guess he does the same thing to me, but I was too busy paying attention to my self to notice it- and at that time, the fact that I ffelt he appreciated me so much more than I could even bother to pay attention to him really bothered me, and now it bothers me that I want him to just tell me stuff about him. I don't want to like him, I want to be completely turned off by his cross bite and his pale skin, but unfortunately his cross bite isn't very bad and most of the time I don't notice it, and also unfortunately in spite of his pale skin he gets along with people from all walks of life, and unfortunately we are very compatible and get along and I just wish that I wanted to hurt him because then maybe something would make sense.
Does that sound crazy? Allow me to ellucidate, which apparently isn't spelled that way-- I am a villain. I can't like someone so nice without some sort of bad intention. My best guy friend, grant knows that I'm a bad person and always tells me my bad intentions before they know them. my mom tells me that I'm the enemy, and the most selfish person she knows. She says if she had known I was going to turn out this way then she would not have had me. The boy I used to love told me that I was a bitch and a whore and that I was out to ruin his life. My ex boyfriend told me that I was clingy and needy and a snoop, and that I always had bad intentions. My ex step dad told me he knew about my bad intentions, and everyone seems to know that I am subconsciously doing things because I'm inherently evil before I know. Its gotten to the point where I don't know what I feel because everyone is telling me I'm bad-- maybe if my parents had been married-- then Rae would have been able to stay at nells slumber party in 7th grade even though I was there. I was just born evil and shouldn't have been born.
So see, I must be planning to be a gold digger, or to hurt him, or to do something to ruin his life because that's what I do, Amber yo, she's a trap. I don't have time for everything. I don't want to do everything. Maybe if I'm such a piece of shit I should be burned at the stake.
I'm just making myself angrier talking like this. See, I manipulate my own emotions. I can't stand anyone right now. I feel like people are pricking me with needles. Crazy or tired or tired of being crazy? I wish I was 14 and could put my head through a wall, but that didn't make the world make more sense either.
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